After Everything Has Been Said and Done Read online

  Contents

  Sections

  Razbliuto

  Reality check

  Gravity

  Piggesnye

  Ineffable

  I Wish I Held Virago

  Undefined Literature

  Who am I?

  Abditory

  Cut My Cord

  Vorfreude

  Cicatrize

  Saudade

  Unsatisfied Desire

  What’s left unclear

  Self-Destruction

  Temerate

  Beauty is in survival, not appearances

  Shlimazl

  Gracie chérie

  Morosis

  Free Falling

  On the Outside Looking In

  Lovers to Strangers

  Joy

  Gracie Chérie, Mon Poém Pour Toi

  Ashtray

  Subsiding

  Adaptations

  Simulacrum

  Unknown Casualties

  Unexplained Actuality

  A Thousand Pieces of Me

  Bliss

  Letter to Myself….

  divagate

  Nonfiction

  Aspiration

  Ruth...

  Happy Go Lucky

  Thoughts

  iridescent

  Masked

  Tell Me I'm Wrong

  habromania

  Blueberry delight

  Downward Dog

  Plaything

  Saudade

  Peripeteia

  Open Wounds

  Puppet

  Addictions

  Define Love

  Companionless

  desideratum

  Meritless

  Perjury

  Too Many

  Slithering encounters

  Natsukashii

  Clemency

  Abhorrence

  Planting petunias

  Daymare

  The Answer Remains Unknown

  Seasons Change

  Flaxen

  La Douleur Exquise

  I just want to be found by you

  Logomachy

  Novaturient

  Insouciant

  Filipendulous

  Hey Good Lookin’

  Visibility

  backpfeifengesicht

  Keeping My Own Head Above Water

  Alexithymia

  I Want My Sanity Back

  Happy Endings Are Just a Myth

  Anagapesis

  I Owe You Nothing

  Convivencia

  Koyaanisqatsi

  Conclusions

  Displeasure

  Orenda

  Masked

  Nodus Tollens

  1:32 am thoughts

  Dwaal

  Metanoia

  Liripoop

  Thrown off Balance

  Vexation

  Opia

  I Need Your Reply

  Past

  Sarang

  Interactions

  Erratic Thoughts

  Arguments and Attributes

  Frankly Honest

  Imagery

  Lightning Bugs

  I Lied to Myself

  Sehnsucht

  Who? You

  Kilig

  The Soul Is a Drug

  Elysian

  Sciamachy

  Dépaysement

  Carnal Knowledge

  Forelsket

  Butterflies

  Infatuation versus Love

  Rapport

  Kallie

  Accismus

  Atychiphobia

  Tacenda

  Meddling

  Eglaf

  Better Than Me

  Skinny love

  Recumbentibus

  Lacuna

  Why are we always running?

  Telepathic

  Exasperated

  Thantophobia

  Induratize

  Galaxies

  Philophobia

  Sinful

  Absquatulate

  Agraphia in Person

  Gigil

  Tadhana

  Nedovtipa

  Loophole in Time

  Mágoa

  Yonderly

  Verklempt

  Tampo

  Eleutheromania

  Inquiry

  In the End

  Obscured

  About The Author

  After Everything Has Been Said and Done

  Katie L. Tyler

  Copyright © 2020 Katie L. Tyler

  All rights reserved.

  ISBN: 9781705379196

  All rights reserved. No portion of this book, except for brief review, may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without the written consent and permission of the publisher. This is a work of fiction. Characters, names, dialogues, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, whether living or dead, businesses, locales, or events other than those specifically cited are unintentional and purely coincidental or are used for the purpose of illustration only. The publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors, omissions, or contrary interpretation of the subject matter herein. The author and publisher assume no responsibility or liability whatsoever on the behalf of any purchaser or reader of these materials. The publisher and author do not have any control over and do not assume any responsibility for third party websites or their content.

  First edition.

  Cover & Illustrations: Katie L. Tyler

  Editing: Quelle Trought

  Proof reading: Karla Lopez

  To my Aunt Barbara,

  thank you for always inspiring me to be who I wanted to be,

  even from heaven.

  I love you.

  There’s a hole that’s deep inside of my chest

  I question if it’ll ever go away,

  but then I remember the memories

  and I decide

  I’d rather live with the giant, gaping hole

  that’s slowly killing me,

  than to have you erased from my mind completely.

  k.l.

  This is to the person who feels unloved. To the soul that aches for attention and wishes life wasn’t so lonely.

  I am here. I feel you.

  I am with you.

  Sections

  Razbliuto

  Your true intentions finally came out;

  you objectify women,

  that’s all this is about.

  I stay awake until 2

  in the am that is

  because your Snapchat enters my feed

  and what happens, happens.

  It’ll start with “what you doin,”

  and end with “k, thanks.”

  I want to stop this sick cycle,

  but my heart is a complete psycho.

  I thought you were different

  but I was just a fool in love.

  Don’t ask me for advice,

  I suck at this stuff.

  I cannot breathe when your name is mentioned

  I’m suffocating with air

  It’s almost as if this is fiction.

  None of this makes sense

  because you were supposed to be the one

  hence all of this destruction,

  it’s time to move on.

  You were sweet while it lasted

  remember that as she moans your name.

  I’ll be the girl from your past

  and from now on, your life will never be the same

  k.l.

  razbliuto: the se
ntimental feelings you have about

  someone you once loved but no longer do

  Reality check

  He was never mine,

  but losing him is breaking my heart.

  k.l.

  Gravity

  I was always afraid of roller coasters.

  Just the thought of going downhill at an unrealistic speed frightened the hell out of me.

  But then I met you,

  and you told me I would be safe with you as we went down the first roller coaster I had ever been on together.

  I have to admit it was a blast,

  but shortly after the ride was over,

  I learned it had just started.

  Bitter nights, abominable yelling, and a never-ending shatter of heartbreak were the after effects.

  This roller-coaster was one I just couldn't seem to get off of.

  Finally, it all ended when it took a turn that was too high for the both of us. As the metal came crashing down and pinned our bodies between the coasters remains and the earth's ground,

  I questioned why I ever wanted to ride a roller-coaster in the first place.

  k.l.

  Piggesnye

  Growing up,

  I always wanted to be different.

  I liked tulips and daisies,

  sunflowers even.

  Dandelions always put on a show and freesias painted the crowds in color.

  I danced in orchids and saw the beauty in bleeding hearts.

  It wasn’t until I got a taste in the idea of love that I saw the importance of roses.

  Sadly, I can no longer say I seek to be different.

  k.l.

  piggesnye: someone who is pretty but not particularly bright.

  Ineffable

  I have this feeling

  deep inside my chest

  that I’m falling for a boy

  that could care less about my existence

  k.l.

  ineffable: too great to be expressed in words

  I Wish I Held Virago

  Behind all of the makeup

  is a damaged soul

  struggling to survive.

  No one notices,

  or maybe they do

  and they just don’t care.

  He doesn’t care.

  There’s a possibility that I’m so blinded

  by the idea of him caring

  that I cannot see when someone else does.

  k.l.

  virago: a strong, brave, or warlike woman

  Undefined Literature

  “I'm the book you always pick up

  intending to finish,

  yet you've never actually read a word of my story”

  k.l.

  Who am I?

  I’m a girl

  who radiates sadness.

  I can’t help it.

  I am broken

  but I am okay.

  I am weak

  but I am healing.

  I went down the wrong path

  but now I am on a great one.

  Yes, I radiate sadness,

  but I radiate a beautiful ambition.

  k.l.

  Abditory

  He’s a 5am bliss

  caught somewhere in-between

  my shaking legs

  and unbearable insomnia.

  Oddly enough,

  I find myself seeking him

  as a cure for both.

  k.l.

  abditory: a place into which you can disappear; a hiding place

  Cut My Cord

  You grow memories

  with special people

  and then when those special people leave

  you’re left with a whole hell of a lot of special places

  that you cannot go

  all because of those special people

  and the special strings they’ve left attached

  k.l.

  Vorfreude

  I want less friction between my legs

  and more vulnerability in my heart

  k.l.

  vorfreude: The intense, anticipative joy derived from imagining future pleasures.

  Cicatrize

  Find a guy

  who isn’t afraid to take you out in public.

  Let him shower you

  with love and affection.

  Make him prove to the world

  that you are his

  and that he is not intimidated by that.

  When the night is said and done,

  come home and tell me in detail how that feels

  because in my 23 years on this planet,

  I have yet to experience anything relatively close

  and for some reason,

  right now

  all I wish

  is to live vicariously through you

  so that I can endure your pain.

  k.l.

  cicatrize: (with reference to a wound) heal by scar formation.

  Saudade

  A simple smile.

  A flip of my hair.

  The way your laugh made my heart forget

  its main purpose: keeping me alive.

  Your texts brightened my mornings,

  and your calls helped me through some of my darkest nights.

  We had such plans

  but I had such fears.

  You were perfect for me,

  but I was nowhere near perfect for you.

  In the end, we snapchat occasionally,

  but everything that we had has led to nowhere.

  I can’t tell if I’m disappointed

  or if this was everything that I expected it to be.

  k.l.

  saudade: a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent

  Unsatisfied Desire

  I try to tell myself I don’t love you.

  That I can look at you and not feel a single thing

  but then I see the way your eyes hold a unique sparkle

  and the way my name rolls off your tongue.

  Suddenly, I’m done for

  and I’m begging for your head to be in-between my legs.

  I don’t think I can ever have enough of you

  k.l.

  What’s left unclear

  I am in love with him

  I don't know how,

  I don't know why,

  but I am in love with him.

  Maybe it’s the way he breathes differently when he falls asleep next to me than he does when he’s awake.

  It’s like he’s at this simplistic rest with nothing on his mind, and just laying beside me puts him in that safety zone.

  Maybe I like that I have that sort of balance over somebody. It’s nice to feel needed.

  Or maybe it’s because he never worries about anything too in-depth. To me, that in general is kind of soothing. With him, it’s kind of like being a newborn again. The world is a place around us with no problems and for once it feels like we can actually live. To be honest it might be just because when he holds me tight in his arms, I know he’s not going to let go.

  He isn't like most.

  He doesn’t see sex as the first agenda. He doesn’t get boners because a moan escapes my lips when I’m stretching. He doesn’t take my hopeless romantic stories too seriously because he knows one day we could create our own that will top anything I could ever create in my head. He doesn’t care that I can’t cook. He doesn’t think too much on it when he makes me mad and I threaten to never speak to him again. He doesn't come with countless drama, and he always encourages me to be the best that I could ever be without trying. He’s completely different from what I’m used to, and I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this way.

  Maybe none of these things matter though because I don’t know what the future holds before us.

  But I am in love with him.

  I don’t know how,

  I might know why,

  But in this moment,

  I am truly in love with him.

  k.l.r />
  Self-Destruction

  Because of you, I take thousands of pictures.

  Because of you, I don’t hesitate to listen to everyone’s favorite songs.

  Because of you, I never take a single second for granted.

  Because of you, I learned how to truly love.

  k.l.

  Self-Destruction: Suicide

  Temerate

  You called me last night. Your voice indicated you were definitely too drunk, and I indicated that I was definitely too naive and that I should have just hung up the phone, but then a part of me realized that I couldn’t do that to you.

  You then proceeded to tell me that losing me was your biggest mistake and for a brief moment you made me feel as if I could put the past behind us and let you back into my life.

  That somehow, we could be whole again.

  But then 5am came and you fell asleep.

  2pm and you forgot everything.

  6pm rolled around and you realized you had called me.

  By 9 pm you knew that I knew.